How to rebuild trust after cheating.
Why do we cheat? This is a very intriguing question with diverse answers. The reason why we cheat is something I can’t seem to comprehend. Cheating in this century has become a societal norm, especially among men. They have the bizarre bias and opinion that it’s natural for a man to cheat. Says who? Seriously, we really need to deal with these societal norms. Then we see some roadside women activists agitating for this same cause. Sometimes, I just don’t understand this generation. When people cheat, they don’t seem to consider the disadvantages, the risks, and the dangers that linger after the process— the latter effects. You become carried away with momentary pleasure and desire for satisfaction.
The disadvantages that arise after cheating are numerous, but one of the most profound is the lack of trust. If I trust you enough not to cheat on me and stay loyal, and you oblige, the trust grows; but if the reverse is the case, then the trust layer is depleted because I wouldn’t want to go down that lane. These people can be so annoying and self-oriented. Cheaters believe that once an apology is made, they call it a sincere apology, then there’s no need to create a scene and the issue should just be forgotten into thin air and buried forever. The hidden truth that they aren’t aware of is that trust can’t be 100% again; the more you cheat, you not only lose trust but also respect, regard, and sometimes the relationship.
The question of how to rebuild trust after cheating is a very heated and controversial one because it carries a lot of answers, thoughts, and opinions. It’s not a mathematics question like 2 + 2; i.e., it’s not a straightforward question with a universal answer; it goes a long way beyond this. As controversial as it sounds, it’s a question that a lot of people are interested in, but if we don’t have an idea why people cheat, we might not be able to know how to rebuild trust after cheating. People cheat for many reasons; some of these reasons might be selfish, personal, obvious, reasonable, or unreasonable. However, some common and popular self-proclaimed reasons include a lack of satisfaction/contentment from the other party, unavailability, distance, lack of understanding, and prolonged waiting before sexual intercourse, especially if it favors one party more than the other.
Understanding is a very vital key in every relationship. It is very important, and once there is no understanding in a relationship, it creates a lot of havoc. Most partners decide to abstain until marriage, but this decision most times is one-sided, and the other party tends to seek pleasure outside. It can either be the male or female counterpart. If we are able to give solutions to the problem of cheating, then there wouldn’t be the act, but most people fall prey to the act of cheating and come back for an apology over and over again. To rebuild trust after cheating is not an easy task because a lot would have been destroyed prior to this time, and rebuilding it will be very difficult. It will only require a heart of remorse and acceptance to rebuild it.
Here are some ways in which you can rebuild trust after cheating:
1. First of all, you have to accept that you are at fault; not many people can attest to wrongdoing, let alone accept their faults. But you must be remorseful, sober, and render a sincere apology. Accept the fact that the act of cheating is something bad and shouldn’t be committed. Let your partner be aware of your mistake.
2. Make a decision not to go back to it: Decide not to return to that act of cheating. Although it won’t be easy, with an understanding partner you can achieve this. Most people after cheating will stand their ground and insist that they are not at fault, saying their body pushed them into it; some will say it is the devil, and others will say their partner pushed them into it. All these are ways of proclaiming self-righteousness and escaping the reality of the issue, and you definitely can’t rebuild anything with these.
3. Be ready for a change: It’s one thing to want to cheat and accept that you cheated, and it’s another thing to make the decision not to cheat again, to change for good, i.e., to stop doing it. But if you are able to do this, then work towards a change and be ready to commit. Whatever it is that’s making you cheat on your partner, share it with them. If it’s a mode of dressing, teach them; if it’s a cooking style, teach them; if it’s a sex position, teach your partner and recreate them together. I see most couples out there who cheat and claim they cheat because their partner doesn’t do what they want or see things the way they do. Mind you, once you see him/her as someone who can’t do it, then make an effort first, because blatantly giving up on them and prescribing a self-prescribed solution is unhelpful.
4. If you can’t abstain, then see a therapist: If you have tried to stay away from cheating but, one way or another, you just find yourself doing it, then go for a therapy session. You can decide to go alone or with your partner; this will help fix all issues and differences. Consulting a therapist will be a good decision rather than cheating, especially if both parties are at fault. A therapist will be able to make necessary corrections for both sides.
5. Whatever you did to win trust at the beginning of the relationship, now is the best time to go back to it: Another possible solution is to revisit whatever you did at the beginning of the relationship to win trust because it serves as a good start in rebuilding the trust you once shared with them.
6. Be ready to face challenges: Don’t expect 100% trust from your partner immediately. You can’t expect your partner to trust you immediately after the act of cheating. You have to work for their trust in order to regain it; it can’t come easily. You will be doubted repeatedly, and most false accusations will be made against you due to previous experiences. There’s a saying that ‘once bitten, twice shy,’ so don’t blame them for their reactions; that’s what a lack of trust can cause.
7. Make it an habit to submit and commit: As a result of your dissatisfaction and inability to commit, you lost your partner’s trust in the first place. It’s just the opposite of the solution. Be content, available, submit to your partner, and spend time with them, and who knows, you might build your trust level from there because your availability and commitment might renew your partner’s trust in you.
8. Work hard on rebuilding trust together: Make it a joint process. Don’t be nonchalant or self-derogatory about the offense you committed; show interest in wanting to rebuild trust. This applies to both the offender (the one who cheated) and the betrayed (the one who was cheated on). Rebuilding trust takes time, so make a decision to work through this process together with your partner and be open to corrections at all times.
9. Share your thoughts with your partner: your likes and dislikes, your wants, the reasons for your actions (i.e., what prompted them in the first place). Most importantly, share your innermost feelings and emotions in order to achieve the goal together.
In conclusion, as the offender, be truthful to the process, take full responsibility for your actions, and work towards being forgiven. As the betrayed, be ready to give second chances, work on learning to understand your partner, and be ready to forgive and let go. Don’t bring up the mistake in conversation during important and special moments. Keep in mind that if you can’t cope with the hurt and betrayal, you can always opt out conveniently; you can decide to quit if such a relationship doesn’t favor you, especially if the person is bent on cheating. Don’t suffer in silence or fake your love.
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